Friday, December 21, 2012

Funny Essay on Why Santa Must Really Be A Woman

English: Santa Claus with a little girl Espera...
English: Santa Claus with a little girl Esperanto: Patro Kristnasko kaj malgranda knabino Suomi: Joulupukki ja pieni tyttö (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
From Denny:   This is one of those funny stories emailed to me a while ago and thought you might enjoy it.  Sure wish we knew the funny author of it!  Guess "Anonymous" lives on as a legend.  Check out the funny reasons why someone thinks Santa might really be female:


I THINK SANTA CLAUS IS A WOMAN

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they -- with amazing calm -- call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

Men can't pack a bag.

Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.

Men don't answer their mail.

Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men...

Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.

Cupid flies around carrying weapons.

Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

- Author Understandably Unknown





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Thursday, December 20, 2012

Joke Story: How the Christmas Tree Angel Really Got to the Top

From Denny: Tiger Woods cartoons just keep churning out this holiday season (c. 2011). This guy really has "stupid for brains" and the mostly male cartoonists are certainly not going to let him live it down either.

Found a few funny Christmas stories to amuse you too. Don't you just love your friends who send you these emails from anonymous funny authors? :)

Tiger Woods just keeps on giving to the cartoonists:





How the Christmas Tree Angel Really Got to the Top

Santa was very upset. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right!

Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!"

He continued, "And I sent that stupid Little Angel out hours ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree behind him. He said, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas tree got its start...



*** THANKS for visiting and for more fun:

The Funny Side of Christmas - Cheeky Quote Day! 16 Dec 2009

Obnoxious: Santas Curmudgeon Version of The Christmas Story

Funny Essay on Why Santa Must Really Be A Woman



* * *  Please support Warriors Pearl Foundation - helping homeless female military veterans come home.  Visit Denny Lyon Gifts  @ CafePress.com  -  see what's new!  Thank you to all those who are supporting this cause.  You rock!


Subscribe in a reader to A Christmas Post or Subscribe by Email

* Check out Dennys News Politics Comedy Science Arts & Food - a place where all my other 20 blogs link so you can choose from among the latest posts all in one place.  A free to read online newspaper from independent journalist blogger Denny Lyon. * 

*** Check out Holiday Recipes From Dennys Food and Recipes


Music: Amazing Grace By Hayley Westenra


English: Hayley Westenra during her concert at...
Image via Wikipedia

From Denny:  It's always refreshing to see what the newest generation does with a traditional standard, especially the Christian ones.  Hayley Westenra performs her wonderful rendition of a difficult song to sing, both emotionally and artistically.

(Check out the link to her name for an extensive biography over at Wikipedia.)



Music: Oh, Rejoice By Hillsong


reason for the season

From Denny:  While my husband was dashing into a convenience store to pick up a few items I was waiting in the car, seeking on the radio stations.  I landed on one talk show where a man was discussing the Christmas season shopping frenzy - and often violence - that breaks out when people fight for the best deals.

It's like the Christmas holiday season has been reduced down to this greedy fever pitch shopping season.  Big Business has clearly hijacked what should be a holy season.  The essayist continued saying how business changes their cashier greeting (Walmart) to try and sound like they are dispensing goodwill as if that will suddenly cement a good relationship with the customer, making up for the rest of the year.

Well, it should be a goodwill season.  During this time of year, he said, you often see strangers relax a little and make more of an effort.  But here's the real question, Did Jesus really come just to make our December's better or did He come to make our entire lives better?

Then the program featured this song and I smiled as my husband put the groceries in the car and we drove back home listening to the reason for the season.

Music: I Will Go by Starfield


Stained glass at St John the Baptist's Anglica...Image via Wikipedia

From Denny:  This video has the inspiring lyrics posted so you can read along as the song plays. While this is primarily of interest to the Christian community it also universally speaks to the need to reach out to fellow humanity that is struggling to keep hope in the world. The focus of the real Jesus Christ is about developing the heart level, true spiritual compassion, which is a mighty force when people discover how to operate in it effectively and appropriately.

Thanks to the christian computer and media user blog from Christian Gittings for posting this gem!